"Sex To Me"... Sat Nat Live--

I'm Not Gonna Try It... YOU Try It...

I took a simple drive up this fire road to measure its distance round trip for a new jogging route.

The next thing I knew, I was out of the truck and poking around for mushrooms.

Who knew mushrooms got this big in real life??

Shrooooomin'

I went, the other night, to our local "edumacation" center where a traveling mycologist was giving a talk on our local mycology. He kept talking about the "fun-G" and I kept thinking about my old friend G and how much fun he was until he got married to a Christian woman and had three kids.




"Make sure you look carefully for the vulva," he said matter-of-factly.


"Well alright!" I thought. "I will".


"The presence of a vulva could signify a deadly Amanita, or Death Cap," the lecturer went on. "One mushroom ingested could possibly kill you."

I stopped doodling and sat up in my chair. Maybe mushroom hunting wasn't for me after all...


The rains are here in Oregon, which means that mushrooms pop out everywhere. Here are several species that grew within fifty feet from where I sleep. Some of these were from last year. Three- so far- from this year.


I bought a book called "All That The Rain Promises, And More", and am dead-pressed to identify them all.


Last night I was jogging around the field down by the lake. On my second lap around, I noticed two dudes walking with their heads down carrying sacks and a stick-thing. At first I thought they were on litter patrol, but it made no sense. They weren't "in-trouble" and under the supervision of the law. They weren't old and retired. No. They were two young hippy dudes scratching at leaves under trees as they slumped along...


"What the heck are you guys doing?" I asked.


"Mushrooming."


I then noticed their faces. They had "the look" of mushroomers. Don't ask me to tell you exactly what that look is, but once you see it, you'll know.


"Get any?"


"A few. It's still early. Next week'll be killer, dude. Rain all this week..."

I kept jogging. "I'll keep an eye out for the little guys."


"Thanks."

On my lap around, I noticed a patch of small white mushrooms growing in the grass. They were maybe forty feet from me, and growing in an area where the grass had been tamped down by human feet. I was all excited.


"Big patch of small white mushrooms over there," I told the two boys as I passed them on lap two.


"Where?"




I pointed across the field. "Way over there near the baseball backstop."


"Thanks, man! We'll check them out."


I jogged on. As I came up to the big patch of small white mushrooms again, I veered off my usually jogging route just enough to jog right over the top of them.




They were golf tees...


Good Lawd, now I had to either run like heck, or go tell the two boys how foolish the old eyes can be.


"Sorry about that, fellas..."


I jogged on. The night started to creep in. On my final lap, I noticed a rather large and plump mushroom sitting proudly on its own in the grass.


I picked it.


I headed back and got in my truck (rare that I drive down to the lake to jog, but I had a good reason) and as I was leaving, I saw the two mushroom boys getting in their car.


I waved the mushroom at them.


"I got one!" I yelled out into the now darkening night. "And no Volvo!"

Wagner Beauty...

One of the benefits of getting "fit" again is that you can get fit and attractive women to go romp in the woods with you.
After the first snowfall of the year at higher elevations, we managed to squeeze in the very last day possible to climb Wagner Butte without snowshoes this season.

The trailhead starts out around 5,000 feet and summits at 7 something.

The short winter day with more snow coming meant that we did some scooting to get to the summit and back down again, and I kept my camera tucked away for the most part.

(So I stole the three pictures without a human in them from the embernet...)

1)Wagner Butte from the valley below.
2)Fit and beautiful woman.
3)The view from the summit of Talent and Ashland and Mt. McCloughlin in the distance.
4)The view from the summit of Mt. Ashland and Mt. Shasta behind it with a telephoto lens.

So what does Mr. Scott do when alone with a beautiful woman in the woods?

Gets out of the car, puts on my pack, takes ten steps, steps on ice and flips to horizontal landing flat on my face...

"Are you alright?"

Sigh...

"Yeah, I think it's just a cramp..."

Walmart Parking Lot...

Can be beautiful too...

Gym...

Health Care--

Small Town Errand Boy...

Yesterday morning I went to my dentist to get a root canal done on my right lower premolar (molar wannabe?).

I went to see John, my local dentists, and his wife Donna. John and Donna love to Winnebago out at the coast on nice weekends and they do Wii exercises every morning.

I know this not from their dentistry, but from having pizza with them down at our local beer-brewery-pizzeria in town. I shared a table with John and Donna, and we even swapped pizza slices...

While we chatted, I noticed that John and Donna both had really nice teeth...

When I got to John's dentistry, he told me he was looking over my X-ray and wanted another dentist to do the root canal.

"Really?" I asked. "So it won't be done today?"

"Oh no," said John. "I've talked to Steven already. We'd just swap patients this morning. He'd do the root canal and I'd do a couple of fillings. That is, if it's alright with you?"

I shrugged. A dentist upgrade? Sure, Why not?

I walked two doors down and told "Steven" that I had accepted the trade, and he then asked a woman and her son if they didn't mind going two doors down and having John do some work on them?

I recognized them as people I had "come across" many times in town but I didn't know who they were. We introduced ourselves and they trotted out and I got my root canal done by a better "root canalists". Steven asked me lots of friendly questions about who I was, what I did, and what part of our small community had I "affected" with my buildin' of stuff?

"You worked on Don and Sue's place? Oh wow. I love their house..."

It made me more relaxed.

Meanwhile, back at John and Donna's... Steven's patients got fillings done by a very capable "filler". Things worked out beautifully for all, and it didn't hurt me or my wallet too significantly...

"Life in a small town", I thought, as I left the dental parking lot...

I then headed over to go see "Doc".

Doc is our local Selma vet. He doesn't have a fancy building or super shiny equipment. His assistant is an older woman who has been with him since she was a younger woman. Between the two they do a nice little business taking care of the cats and dogs of rural folks who have a lot of love for their animals but don't have a lot of cash.

Doc looks just like David Crosby. So much so that if you say "You look like..." he'll interrupt and say "David Crosby..."

You'll say "Oh. You've heard that before?" He'll smile and point to his face.

"Isn't it obvious?"

You'll observe that it was, indeed, and change the subject. That happens all the time.

Doc loves to play horseshoes, smoke pot, and get drunk. I know this because I've been over to his house a few times with a mutual friend to play horseshoes on horseshoe night. Doc gets glassy-eyed, goofy, and sloppy-speeched. He starts seeing double and then staggers off to bed. I know this because he says "I'm seeing dooble..." right before he staggers off, and darn near a minute sooner than he says "Night yule..." while he grabs out for his front doorknob.

Horseshoe night is followed by two days of "We are closed" hanging in the window down at his vet building. Doc likes to sleep off his hang-overs and clear his head before going back to animal Doc-king and reproductive fixin'.

Doc is the best damn horse-shoe thrower I have ever seen.

Drunk AND stoned.

I didn't know you could toss seven ringers in a row. With glassy eyes and a slur.

When we played, since I was the "newbie", I got to have Doc on my team.

And we always won.

After my root canal by Steve, I left the dentistry at 10:30. I was supposed to be at Doc's to pick up Badu at 10. I told Doc's assistant that I may be late, because of a root canal pending.

"No problem", she said. "We'll keep a good eye on her until you get here."

She had Badu tucked up under her desk on a blanket with a small bowl of water and one hand scratching her head when I got there.

"How was the dentist?" sha asked.

"I camf feel my wip..." I told her.

After I got Badu home and fed and comfy, I headed out to go pick up a single box of flooring from Al, the local flooring guy. Al had a small carpet and linoleum business outside of town in a house alongside the highway. He took out all of the interior walls of the house and kept a disorderly showroom there. He made his living getting his son-in-law to install cheap carpets in local houses and mobile homes. He was surprised when I told him I wanted something rather pricey, as it was not the norm for Al.

So when I did order, I ordered "tight" meaning I didn't want a bunch of left-over boxes worth a lot but not useful to me. I ended up being half a box short which was fine, since I could just ask Al to order another one.

When I got there, Al was sitting at his desk shuffling a deck of cards. He was about to play another hand of Solitaire but I noticed a cribbage board sitting there so I asked "You the cribbage player?"

"Best one here," he said, winking.

"Until I showed up." I said.

He put the card deck out.

"Low card deals first..."

Man I just love small towns...

Interesting Left/Right Conversation...

How Others See You...

When my brother was up, he and Mum spent time together setting up her Wii game. That meant giving all the players "avatars" or electronic representations of themselves.

I was using the presence of my brother as an opportunity to go do stuff and had zero input into the avatar making process...

When I got home, this is who I found staring back at me. THIS IS ME according to Steve and my Mum.

Now I don't know about you, but when I look at me on TV, I get the feeling that I am up to something mischievous. That I have a mean streak and don't like to lose when I compete...

Sigh...

I deny all of those things.

They couldn't possibly be true...

Lying To Government Is A Crime...

But...



The converse and inverse are not...